This is what's going to happen. No, I'm not asking for help, because it's unnecessary. I'm alright, I'm always alright and this is what I always answer when someone asks. I'm okay, I guess I have to be.

Every superhero have their weaknesses, I guess. Super J is not an exception. So I am going to fall again. No one catches me this time but don't worry - I'm tough. I'll be alright in the end. It's not this easy to take me down.

I'm fucking invincible.

I'm not giving up. I'm just giving in.

Life is a constant fight.

You always have to watch your back, because world is a cruel place and being a good person is a weakness here. That's why I don't expose myself anymore to anyone, because if I do, they may use it against me. I am just tired – tired of feeling weak, tired of fighting. I am tired of pretending to be someone else so people wouldn't think I'm a freak. Well, here is the truth – I am a freak and from now on I will try to do everything to feel good with it.

I will not expose myself though. I will just observe and listen. And analyze, and remember. You will think I am mysterious or... enigmatic. You will be afraid of me, because you'll never be able to find out what I think about. This will keep you away.

Still, I am an honest person and if you ask about anything, I'll answer. With honesty.

But don't expect me to spend much time here. I am very busy right now. I barely find time to clean my wet and moldy room and to wash my clothes to work, not mentioning spending hours on deviantART. I have no opportunities to take photos. I have no inspiration either. This town just sucks all my afflatus out of me.

Yes – I have a job. A permanent, full-time job. I'm working as a barista at Starbucks. Not much, huh? Maybe. But I like this job and I like people I work with. They are crazy, they are funny and smart, and always helpful. They really made my first period of work much more easy because I could count on them. I'm not sure if they know how much they helped me, and maybe I don't want them to know, but they make my workplace feel like a second home. What's more there are few regular customers who always have a good word to give and a smile to share. I would not change this job to anything else right now. Though I still am very lonely here and it makes me feel bad that besides work I have no one to talk with, no one to go out with, no one to help me with simple everyday things. Well, everything in its' own time.

This feels weird. Sometimes I am helpless like a teenage girl who found herself in a new, difficult situation. Other times I am just too old and too tired to handle all of this, too old and too tired to be with someone, to wait for someone, to start a family on my own. Too simple to understand this complicated world with its all complicated people with complicated personalities. Sometimes I just feel broken. Sometimes... it's just too difficult to fight your dark side. You just let it get out then and take control of you. Just for a while.

I guess now I have my darker days.

I am very, very proud if my Dad. He's got his first Daily Deviation few days ago. Very well deserved, occupied with hard work and commitment. Here it is:

I am obliged to remind You about the Facebook page for my photography and digital art. I established it some time ago, but i still feel very lonely on that vast and lonesome place called Facebook. If You like my art here, maybe You could like it there as well...?

I feel awfully homesick.
Since my latest journal many changes occured in my life (again). Let's start from the fact that I moved into place that is 1100 miles and one hour earlier from my home. Now I live in the United Kingdom and look for some new life here. Hope I will start from permanent full time job. When I get that, I will start to think about my own car, my own flat, my own dog AND cat, and finally my own man. It's good to have dreams, right? Maybe here I will be able to earn enough money to publish my book.
Last week I have worked at Royal Ascot 2013. I doubt you could notice me on TV, though Her Majesty the Queen walked few metres from me for few times Disregarding the fact that it was some really hard and long work (since 7 or 8 am till 8 or 9 pm) with no single chair to seat on (except of few 20-30 minutes breaks) and for five days I was incredibly tired, I met some great people there and really enjoyed the fact that I earned enough money to live here for another month. I will not say anything more now, but maybe in the future I will have some good news for you and a little bit of more hope for myself.
There is one thing that really stuns me here. Every single guy I meet smiles to me. And daily I can have three independent invitations for being someone's girlfriend. I understand that in my area I might me the only one natural blonde. But the fact that in Poland I didn't actually exist and here I am being stalked really unsettles me. I had to make a decision of keeping away from the shop that is nearest to my house because of three guys independently trying to take me on coffee or to get my phone number. I need to hide.
Anyway, those smiles seen in the street are quite nice accent for a person who felt invisible during whole her life. And indeed - guys in Poland mostly are idiots. Sorry, I am just being honest*.
Beside the guys here another different thing is sky. Seriously. I have noticed this weird fact the very first day. I don't know the cause of this, but the sky seems more deep, more vivid and more spectacular. Sometimes I feel like I moved to another planet. Sometimes I feel this way not only because of the sky.
I am terribly homesick. I'm so alone here...

_{*) I've added the word "mostly" so some of you would not feel offended.}

On April 8th 2013 I have appeared on TV. The episode of polish TV show "Szpital" was out on TVN television. I played only in few scenes (this was some very very supporting role) but I enjoyed the experience. Even today I had a call from the agency with an invitation to another casting. The man who called me seemed quite surprised about my location. Pity I will loose this chance, but maybe I will get something else instead.
For those of us who actually understand polish language: please find the link to the episode below. For those who don't speak polish: you can always see it. I found a site wth no location restrictions.

I am extremely happy and honoured that one of my works was recently awarded with DD feature.
Thank You very much, Rosella-of-Daventry for suggesting and Kaz-D for considering it worth featuring.

I am obliged to remind You about the Facebook page for my photography and digital art. I established it some time ago, but i still feel very lonely on that vast and lonesome place called Facebook. If You like my art here, maybe You could like it there as well...?

Llamas.... what are those for? I don't get the whole "Llama idea". Don't give me them, I wouldn't know how to use them. For the same reason I don't offer them back.

This account is not a stock! Please, don't use any work submitted here. This is private, personal work that is not allowed to use in any way.

Thanks to all of You for watches, faves and comments All support is much appreciated, though i know i don't have enough time to answer all Your messages...

My life becomes more weird everyday. After months of routine strange things can happen, and of course they tend to appear gregariously. My typical day includes early waking up, few hours of work, three hours spent at a gym and then lonely evenings on deviantART or facebook, or other mystical places on the internet. I don't go out, I don't talk to people. I am closed person, I prefer to take photos or write my book, so I don't have any friends. All of my acquaintances ended when I returned to my hometown after finishing studies. I don't even have proper opportunity to meet some nice representatives of opposite sex. So every day I get up I tell myself something like: "Rise and shine, sweetheart! The day won't become shitty on its own!"

So, when strange things happen I am quite a bit... unbalanced.

Lately strange things have happened. Yes, in plural.

First of all - I will appear on TV. I can't say more now, but the one thing I can say is that I would really like the job of an actress. This was a fun experience, though I would rather not to watch myself on TV, because I am hopeless when it comes to pretending. So if You want to see some shitty acting, just stay tuned.

The second thing is much more serious. I have an opportunity to publish my novel. I've got a letter from the publisher with very positive opinion and an offer. But when you are a novice you have to invest these days by yourself. I need almost 15 000 PLN (about 3 600 EUR or 4 700 USD) so my dreams will not come true, unless I find a sponsor. And this is sad. I was always afraid that the main obstacle would be my lack of talent or something like that. It appears that I have encountered the main obstacle of all times - MONEY.

Please, maybe You can give me some advices about the kind of institutions that would be interested in patronizing publication of fantasy book?

I've got a wonderful gift from kg177, who decided to give me a Premium Membership. Raz jeszcze dziękuję.

I am obliged to remind You about the Facebook page for my photography and digital art. I established it some time ago, but i still feel very lonely on that vast and lonesome place called Facebook. If You like my art here, maybe You could like it there as well...?

Llamas.... what are those for? I don't get the whole "Llama idea". Don't give me them, I wouldn't know how to use them. For the same reason I don't offer them back.

This account is not a stock! Please, don't use any work submitted here. This is private, personal work that is not allowed to use in any way.

Thanks to all of You for watches, faves and comments All support is much appreciated, though i know i don't have enough time to answer all Your messages...

You don't have to read the part below. Just skip to features.

Just stay away from me. I'm only gonna hurt you.
That's what I said a long time ago. I guess I was right. I have to make myself a shirt with that motto on it.

It's eminently probable that I will stay alone till the day of my death. It's because I simply can't love anyone. And it's not like I love only myself. Maybe I look for someone who does not exist, someone too perfect for this reality. I feel like I belong to some other universe, where everything works differently. Where poeple think and act in different ways. I don't understand this world and I don't agree with its rules. The older I get, the more lost i feel. And more angry.



I just wanted to post a journal with another features of others' beautiful works, because my premium membership is ending in three weeks and I don't know if I will have time to post something later. I just wanted to feature You, but apparently I don't have anything wise or interesting to say with this opportunity. Sorry!

Llamas.... what are those for? I don't get the whole "Llama idea". Don't give me them, I wouldn't know how to use them. For the same reason I don't offer them back.

This account is not a stock! Please, don't use any work submitted here. This is private, personal work that is not allowed to use in any way.

Thanks to all of You for watches, faves and comments All support is much appreciated, though i know i don't have enough time to answer all Your messages...